Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Dark Saturday

I woke up and started to cry again, eyes welling with tears as I recalled the events of the previous day. In exhaustion, I had finally ended the day with a restless sleep, awakening repeatedly to a cacophony of emotions and inner voices:  Gone. Empty. Worthless… Meaningless! Three years of my life… lost! It had all been a lie!!

It was like this last night, wavering between grief and anger: sorrow at his death, angry that he let it happen… and disappointment… so disappointed in my actions. “No sir! I’d never abandon you!” Yet within hours, I pretended as if I never even knew him. So disappointed… but what was he thinking? I tried to defend him! I was quick to grab the sword away from that fellow and strike, but the Master reprimanded ME… and then healed the guy that took him away! All those miracles that he performed, but not one for himself, not even when he needed it most. Not even then!

And if not for himself, what about us??? Surely he knew that we needed him!! I wonder how the others are doing? Aww… I don’t know if I even care. I don’t want to see anyone right now. I’m not sure how I’m doing. I want to sleep and I want to run away. I want to forget, maybe go back to fishing. Just get away from all this. But I should check on them first. I’m sure they’re just as messed up as I am. So disappointed…

I wonder how his mom is doing? And John? John was as close to him as any of us. I really don’t want to see anyone, but it would probably be better if I got us all together. Maybe it would help if those of us who… miss him… so much… maybe it would help if we all got together.

But we’ll need to be careful. I’m sure they’ll be looking for us. Probably want to gather all of us up to make sure they’ve properly handled the big “threat” we are. Yeah, we’ll need to be careful.

So disappointed… what if I had spoken up? I’d probably be dead, too. But to be honest, I feel dead already. Three years wasted! King of Glory? He was more like a sheep going to be slaughtered… no, not even a sheep. A lamb… a lamb like the one we ate at our last supper together. So innocent… so dumb and innocent! What did he do that was so wrong anyway that all those religious leaders wanted him dead? They were just jealous! They saw the potential, they understood that he was bringing a much needed change, saw him as a rival, and had him eliminated! And he let them!!! 

Leaving us alone. And what do I have to show for three years? Just my cynicism. Yeah, it would take a miracle for me to ever trust again. I really need to sort this out… somehow find a way to put this in the right context. But I should go find the others...

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