Challenges of a Father

I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been trying to form my thoughts for a topic that I’ll post later this month, and like our society in general have considered Father’s Day only as an afterthought. Our society celebrates Mothers pretty easily, and that’s a good thing. But it seems harder to celebrate fathers. Why is that?

The message at our church today was a really good one but reflecting upon the content I realized that it was mostly describing fatherhood wounds, the impact of a bad father figure and how God brings restoration. So I could choose to write about the qualities of a good father, and that would also be a good thing to share, but instead I thought it might be better to share my challenges as a father. Assuming that others may be challenged in similar ways, maybe someone would benefit from knowing that we’re not alone. As the father of five children, I know I’ve made mistakes and that I’ve also done the right thing. No one is perfect as a parent, and that shouldn’t be our goal. Even if we were perfect, our kids could still go their own way; Adam and Eve had the perfect Father, but we know what happened to them. Rather, our goal as fathers should be to remain faithful, trusting in God for the outcome. 

My Challenges

I have many challenges as a father, but one that we all share is not knowing exactly what a “good father” looks like. We either understand that our earthly fathers fell far short of God’s design or we tend to imagine our earthly fathers were the perfect example. Neither is true. Our Heavenly Father is the only perfect model of fatherhood, and if you are like me, you may find it hard to see Him in our imperfect world. Jesus said that if we have seen Jesus we have seen the Father, but this is still a foreign concept to many. But I can discern from His statement that this one thing is sure: to see the Father, we need to have a relationship with Jesus and we need to understand what Jesus’ relationship with the Father looked like. All of our father wounds, daddy issues, and idolization go away if we first look to God as Father, which will truly open our eyes to understand what a “good father” looks like.

Another challenge I’ve had as a father is balancing the need to discipline with my compassion. I look at some biblical characters and know I’m not alone. David, a man after God’s own heart, struggled with this, and the entire kingdom suffered because of his short-comings. Samuel the prophet also struggled with it, even after seeing how the same struggle impacted the biological sons of Samuel’s spiritual-father, Eli. We know from scripture that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child (Proverbs 13:24) and that it’s actually a comfort for children to have that discipline in their lives. (Psalm 23:4) Yet still, I’ve struggled with it as well as going toward the other extreme.

The flip side of this is disciplining out of our weakness. The physical and emotional abuse that comes from a weak character is often stereotyped in a weak father. A weak father doesn’t discipline out of love, but he punishes the child in shame or out of pride. It’s often demonstrated by a power struggle to assert one’s dominance, and it breaks down the relationship over time, reaching it’s sad fruition when the child is powerful enough to resist the oppression. The unhealthy relationship emerges as patterns of avoidance, passive aggressive behaviors or even active aggression. 

Shame and pride are two sides of the same coin, often glued together by comparison with others. This comparison to others leads to shame when we feel inferior or pride when we feel superior. We find healing when we can exchange our shame/pride with a desire to reflect God’s image, and we embrace both the “how” and “why” of our parenting style as a reflection of our Heavenly Father’s ways and purposes. When we rightly reflect Father God, we become Servant-Leaders: leaders who lead by serving and who serve by leading, actively doing what is in the best interest of the beloved over any feeling of shame or pride. The decision to servant-lead combats our natural desire to seek pleasure, avoid discomfort, settle for laziness, or react in rage. 

The mental discipline of a Servant-Leader reflects God’s strength. It takes intentionality and initiative because anything less acquiesces to the desires of our flesh. It’s hard, and I’ve struggled to be as focused as I should be. I have failed many times, but I take comfort in God’s promise that a righteous man gets up again despite how many times he falls. (Proverbs 24:16)

Finally, one of my greatest challenges has been loneliness and feelings of rejection. I realize others may not struggle with this the way that I do, but I’d imagine many fathers feel a certain loneliness. There’s a saying: “It’s lonely at the top”. As fathers, we are called to be the head of the family, whether we are married, partnering with a mother outside of marriage, or as a single parent. Often others fail to recognize our authority, but I encourage every father to lead anyway. It can feel difficult to be understood and every conversation can feel like a battle. For many us, it’s not our perception and there are seasons in life where it’s a persistent reality. It takes courage, tenacity and hope to continue fighting the good fight without resorting to reacting out of our woundedness. 

As wounded creatures we can take the fight or flight mentality, and the third option of dialog is often forgotten. We don’t struggle against flesh and blood but against ideas and thought patterns. Our fight is to take control first of our own thoughts and lovingly confront the lies that assault our family members. I find myself challenged in how hard to push while remaining relational, and I know I fall short in communicating His truth in a loving fashion, but that is my desire and that is commitment. 

The Answer

The Answer as already stated is Jesus: knowing Him means knowing how He would act and likewise how our own Heavenly Father acts on our behalf. If He is long-suffering, how can we give in to impatience? If He has the courage to discipline us, shouldn’t we be equally courageous, choosing discipline over reactive punishment? If He leads us by serving, shouldn’t we serve our family as a leader committed to positively impacting our children and less interested in personal cost? The answer to our challenges is to love in the way He first loved us (1 John 4:19) and reflect His Image to our children as a step towards introducing them to their Heavenly Father! We should never become an idol or misrepresentation of our Heavenly Father. Rather, we must be a finger that points to Him, a mirror of His light and voice that cries out in the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord! Maybe then, as the hearts of fathers turn toward their children will the children respond in love to their fathers. 

“I’m going to send you the prophet Elijah before that very terrifying day of the Lord comes. He will change parents’ attitudes toward their children and children’s attitudes toward their parents. If not, I will come and reclaim my land by destroying you.” ~ Malachi 4:5-6

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