My Family: Playing the Long Game
He led me, but didn’t give me the answer I wanted to hear. I clearly heard Him tell me that it didn’t matter what I did vocationally so long as I took Him with me. I asked my spiritual mentors at the time if that sounded right, and they all affirmed it. On one hand it was freeing and on the other hand it was frustrating. I wanted a clear answer, and instead I was given freedom and along with it: responsibility.
At that time, Dr. James Dobson, a christian psychologist, had a radio ministry called Focus on the Family, and he had powerful impact on the choices my wife and I made early in our marriage. We knew that we needed to prioritize our family over lesser things, even when it came to career and ministry. I recall Dr. Dobsom sharing how his own father made a similar decision, choosing what seemed to be a less impactful ministry career so that he could be actively engaged in raising his son, Jim.
Also at that time, my wife and I had decided to help with our church’s youth group. When I submitted our applications to become Youth Leaders, I brought my oldest daughter with me. She was a toddler, and the associate pastor at that church gave me advice that I took to heart. It resonated with the messages I heard from Dr. Dobson. The associate pastor looked at me, pointed to my daughter and said, “Never forget: she is your primary ministry.”
I could envision some people questioning the father of Dr. Dobson when he stepped away from one ministry to do something that might be considered less impactful so he could be the father that Jim needed at home, but looking back at the life of his son, I doubt that Dobson’s father could have had a greater impact on others than through the life of James Dobson, the books he wrote and the ministries he started.
One statement I recall hearing on his program that made a huge impact upon me: “No one ever says on their death bed that they wished they’d spent more time in the office.” From my perspective today, I can see the truth of that sentence even more clearly. The two biggest regrets that older people have in life are not spending enough time investing in their family and not taking more risks. The truth is: life is filled with challenges, it’s not fair, but it is worth it. One of those challenges is how to make it all work together, to take risks without sacrificing family needs. There so much outside our control. It’s relatively easy to take risks when it’s just you who will be impacted by the outcome. The cost is higher when the people you care most about will be impacted by your decisions.
My wife and I didn’t know how we could manage it, but we decided one of us needed to stay at home, and since I had the higher earning potential, I became the main bread-winner. She stayed at home and only started working part-time when our oldest daughter started school. We then had our next child, followed by 3 more, and she again stayed at home, only taking a part-time job when our youngest was in school. She remained faithful, staying focused on our family’s needs first. Meanwhile I continued to work full-time, and I admit there were moments where I resented some of the sacrifices we made so that she could maintain that family focus. I could also get frustrated by the limitations of my season in life: there were opportunities I felt obligated not to pursue so that I could be present in the lives of my kids. These were risks I would have easily pursued if it were only me, but my family needed me, not just to provide for them financially, but to lead them, love them and actively collaborating with my wife as she nurtured them.
As the family grew, the term “Work Life Balance” tormented me. I felt that I could never balance the both work and life, and I was left with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I felt like I could do more professionally if not slowed down by my family, and I also felt like work was constantly pulling me away from the more important activities with my family. There was no balance, just blame, and the fingers pointed toward me. It wasn’t until I heard the term “Work Life Integration” that I could find the guilt-free flexibility to pour my all into an integrated lifestyle where family remained a priority and work became an important enabling objective. I have since resolved to get better at work-life integration, which has invigorated me at home and at work.
I have to confess as well that I felt the same tension between ministry obligations and family commitments. Ultimately, I was able to turn off the critical inner voices that said I needed to do more and simply enjoy doing what I could in obedience to Christ. There was such a push in church to do more. I’ve both seen and heard destructive messages that emphasized church service without regard family relationships. As a result, marriages were harmed or ruined, and children became alienated with their parents.
I’ve also felt the tension to put family wants over ministry calling. So I’ve learned that yes, we are indeed called to serve but never at the expense of our primary ministry to family, and I’ve learned that leading a family is putting their developmental and relational needs over their wants. While that seems like such an obvious concept, it is hard to put into practice.
In the end, I learned that there was no balance between ministry and family. Rather, there’s an integrated ministry that places family spiritual development over the needs of church programs, and I’ve come to understand that spiritual development only happens in the context of relationship. In my opinion, the “purpose-driven churches” of our day need to stop thinking out how to build their age-segmented programs and consider more how to integrate spiritual development into family lifestyles that draw the hearts of parents to their children and children to their parents.
Loving God and loving others starts in the home. The husband-wife relationship is primary since the best gift you can ever give your children is a loving relationship with your spouse. And now that all my children are adults, some of whom are married with their own children, I see what I only hoped for decades ago: a family that loves and enjoys each other, seeking to live lives of service to their community. Like me, I believe they have freedom to do what they want, so long as they take God with them. Like me, He will bless their efforts and fill in their gaps. He will reassure their doubts, provide for their needs, and empower them to integrate work, life and ministry into their lives.
I was originally planning to write something else for this week’s post, but I saw something on LinkedIN that the Lord used to redirect me. (See Post on LinkedIN) We should always be open to His redirection. As His Word says: “The mind decides the path, but the Lord directs the footsteps.” My life has been redirected so many times, and I am better because of it. Through that, I can see that God loves me and my family more than we are capable of loving each other, and we are better because of it.
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