The Love Pyramid - Part 2

Intimacy, Desire and Ability 

“Boys use emotional intimacy to get physical intimacy and girls use physical intimacy to get emotional intimacy.” The words I heard in college returned to me as I read about a Scandinavian study that showed how 16 year old girls’ self-esteem declined when in a sexual relationship; conversely, 16 year old boys’ self-esteem went up. It made sense. The girls were selling a part of themselves to have a need met, but the boys were discovering a need they weren’t even aware of being fulfilled. 

It also brought back to mind a book my future father-in-law handed me as I dated his daughter: “I Loved a Girl” by Walter Trobisch. Trobisch was an African pastor who brilliantly wrote about physical and emotional intimacy, using a triangle to illustrate the importance of balancing emotional and physical intimacy as a couple progresses in their relationship. I am so grateful for my father-in-law in general, and I especially appreciate him being bold and loving enough to share this book with me. It helped me understand what I want to share with you. 

The Love Pyramid takes the 2 dimensional illustration I learned from Pastor Trobisch and extends the depth of God’s Sovereignty. By 
“sovereignty” I mean: God is fully in control. He has the knowledge, ability, and is the very embodiment of love. Understanding love is foundational to understanding the Love Pyramid. Love is Who God is and who we were made to be. I won’t rehash what I wrote previously, but I encourage you read it for context. 

There are four corners to the Love Pyramid that lead toward Oneness: 

1. Emotional Intimacy 

2. Physical Intimacy 

3. Desire for Commitment 

4. Ability to Commit 



Love is a decision accompanied by many feelings. The loving, romantic relationship God created for a man and wife is filled with all those feelings, feelings that hit us on so many levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Because God is good, love is good, and He made the union of man and wife to be a wonderful kaleidoscope of positive feelings. Jesus told us that a man would leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; that the two would become one flesh. This oneness that God created for marriage is symbolic of the oneness that He desires for each of us. Without going into the many details, it’s precisely because of the beauty of this gift of loving oneness that the enemy has perverted it, using a bait and switch technique to pull us away from God’s best into something that is bent and twisted out of shape. 



God’s desire for us is to grow in oneness together, so it’s easy to understand how someone’s desire for commitment is painful when left unfulfilled. We can also easily understand how our desire for emotional intimacy can sometimes lead to compromises when this good need is left unfulfilled. Reflecting on the 16 year olds in sexual relationships, boys are often vilified their actions, but if we’re completely honest both genders in this scenario are using each other. Both are seeking their own needs over the needs of the other. God created us for both emotional and physical intimacy, but using another person to have one or both of those needs met is not love. 

Love is enduring and involves commitment. But is it enough if both people have a strong and equal desire to be in a life-long, committed relationship and they both determine to do what is best for the other one? That sounds like love, right? But can it lead to the oneness that God desires for us? 

If both the Lover and the Beloved don’t have the ability to commit, their commitment is limited. Some examples include: very young couples without an ability to financially support themselves or the children that will eventually arrive; a prior commitment to love someone else; a physical constraint such as imprisonment; etc. Any number of other examples can illustrate this point: without the ability to commit, it is pointless and even painful if all the other corners of the pyramid want to soar to the top but the ability to commit is just not there. In such situations, allowing the relationship to progress is short-sighted. If God has you in those circumstances, then it’s important to join Him where you are and not to dwell on the impossible possibilities. This ability to commit in love is where God’s Sovereignty really comes into play. We are in a in a place where He has put us, and we can choose to trust Him or choose to take things into our own hands. 

Looking again at the pyramid we can envision another scenario, where someone has the ability but lacks any desire to commit. In this case they may lack love and may not be living as they were intended to be. They could be losing out on one of God’s greatest gifts for those who were created in His image. 

I encourage you to look at the two images I’ve included and to reflect upon them. Think about the impact of pushing up on one corner of the pyramid when others are stationary. Consider how this applies to either your current situation or past experience then reflect about how this illustration may be helpful for either yourself or to others in your life. I intentionally tried to be concise, but I could easily write a book about this and still not cover it completely. If you have questions or something you’d like to discuss, reach out to “mitch” at “malloyclan.com”. 

copyright ©2020 Mitchell Malloy (http://mitchellmalloyblogspot.com/)

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